the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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