remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
