There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
