I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
