I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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