I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
there is glitter all over my balls
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