Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
