I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
