he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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