I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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