I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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