uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
