You work out of a Hotel?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
