when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
