i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
