If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Life is so much better after having sex.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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