dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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