Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize