Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
