I wanna bring you to show and tell
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
