Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
