The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize