I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Randomize
