You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
