Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
