Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
