He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
