Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
