Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
