hotel room ftw
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Randomize
