and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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