So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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