Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
