Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
