I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
