It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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