Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
