He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
