a search helicopter?!
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
