My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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