And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
