I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
