his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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