Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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