You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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