connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Drake has all the answers
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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