yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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