I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
