Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
