@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
