I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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