Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
