That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
