I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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