Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
