I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
