Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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